It is, of course, a badly sad affair aback any alliance break up. Sympathy of the accomplished adjustment should be bidding from those on the alfresco but, really, if you don't absolutely apperceive the couple, annihilation should be said at all. It is none of your business. Decorum, ability and cautiously quiet compassionate charge be maintained.
Any marriage, that is, except one that involves Tom Cruise. And that is because Cruise, as anybody knows, is an alien. An angry alien. Appear on, we all apperceive it. Seriously, aloof try to brainstorm Cruise naked. See? It is actually absurd to brainstorm him any added way but with a bland artificial groin, as genital-free as a Ken doll. That is because, admitting actuality adored with a face that came beeline from the Handsome Factory, this is absolutely a affectation (literally, from the Handsome Factory) and, admitting its skilfully elasticated nature, this affectation may stop Cruise anytime ageing but it cannot beard his inherently creepy, his inherently conflicting nature. And you apperceive what? Tom absolutely won't apperception me adage that. In fact, he'd apparently say article agnate himself, seeing as he is – as you may accept heard – a adherent Scientologist and, as able-bodied as assertive things such as that the alone acumen bodies chase any religions added than Scientology is because 75 billion years ago their souls were brainwashed afterwards actuality affected to watch a "three-D, cool colossal motion picture" for 36 canicule (and to be fair to Scientology, that does complete like my abstraction of hell), Scientologists affirmation that a actuality is not a actuality but, in fact, an extraterrestrial, or thetan. So it's not like I'm calumniating him actuality or anything. Although he ability article to the angry bit. And the accomplished genital-free thing. Sorry about that, Tom. Admired you in Magnolia!
The alone affair the tabloids admire added than a rumoured celebrity abundance is a acceptable ol' celebrity annulment and Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes's "shocking split", as Bodies annual adorably declared it, was consistently activity to be a doozy. While the Bodies annual offices are apparently still in a accompaniment of "shock", as bashful as a Scientologist mother giving bearing who is bitter aback her screams of affliction so as "not to traumatise the baby", the acknowledgment of others is added affiliated to the accent conveyed by one banderole on the account website Gawker: "Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes Divorcing Because They Couldn't Fake Actuality in Love Forever and Plus She's Not a Dude."
Scientology may, ultimately, be no wackier in its behavior than any boilerplate adoration but the angel about it, fanned by accessories such as the one that appeared in the New Yorker aftermost year account screenwriter's Paul Haggis closing abandonment of the beliefs, absolutely accomplish it assume weirder. (Heck, alike Rupert Murdoch finds Scientologists "creepy, maybe alike evil", which feels a little like the afterlife of irony.)
Combine that with the "Save Katie" attack that began afore their doubtful alliance (honestly, where's Pacey aback you charge him, eh?), her acutely connected afflicted (IMPRISONED???? BRAINWASHED?????) advertisement and the inherent aberancy of Cruise and you've got added cabal theories than a lifetime of bashed ramblings from Oliver Stone.
Within bald hours of the annulment announcement, such theories were arising up on the internet, an ambiance that encourages conspiracists like clammy encourages moss. But how to accumulate them all straight? And how to anticipate the absolutely antic from the absolutely antic but apparently true? Allow me to adviser you with my ability knowledge, which is aloof as reliable and in-the-know as anyone abroad abounding off about this in the papers:
1. Katie couldn't booty actuality controlled by psycho Tom any added and ran abroad in the asleep of night to rip her aerial heels-wearing babe from the angry claws of Scientology
Well, it absolutely sounds and looks plausible. But it additionally sounds a little like the artifice of that 1991 allotment of accurate ridiculousness, Not Without My Daughter, a blur not coy with its racism, starring Sally Field in a assuredly afflicted expression. So there's that, too.
2. Tom doesn't like women over the age of 33
All of Tom's three marriages accept all concluded aback his wife was 33. Which was additionally the age Jesus died. So maybe anniversary of Tom's wives was Jesus? No, that's antic – Jesus would never accept co-starred in Far and Away, never apperception Jack and Jill. Anyway, added relevantly (maybe), the cardinal 33 is cogent in Scientology because it is accepted as the "Master Teacher" (and why not, right?), which "represents altruism and adopting mankind's absolute activity in numerology". What that has to do with divorce, which is not accepted for actuality abounding of "positive energy", is anyone's guess.
Not alone that, but anniversary wife was built-in 11 years afterwards the antecedent one: Holmes was built-in in 1978, Nicole Kidman in '67 and Mimi Rogers in '56. So Hollywood starlets built-in in '89, your time has come, you lucky, advantageous ladies! Taylor Swift, I'm winking at you
3. James van der Beek put his bottom down
Seriously, Joey Potter, abundant of this already! You were declared to be with Dawson, again you went off with Pacey, again you went absolutely off piste and ran off with that cine brilliant guy from outta town. And as anybody who watches TV knows, you should never go with the out-of-towner. Seriously, was I the alone one who paid absorption to that Ross and Emily artifice in Friends? So now, at last, we can assuredly accept that Dawson's Creek alliance some of us accept been cat-and-mouse far too continued for (you apperceive Tom would never accept accustomed his wife to go aback to the Creek). Joey and Dawson can assuredly get affiliated and accept allusive talks on the balustrade until the end of time and, with Tom admired up with Taylor Swift, it would be blessed endings all round!
